my autobiography
My life is best defined by the relationships I have experienced: my parents, my friends, my God and even myself. One of the earliest memories I have is of a dream. I guess it has stuck with me so long because it was a recurring dream. I had it often as a child. It was of me on the front porch of an old house. There is a small monster on the porch guarding the door. I am initially afraid but quickly realize that it is plastic and just move it aside. I walk into the house and down a hall. To my left appears a door with frosted glass. I look in and watch a shape move close enough to the door to make out that it’s a skeleton. I walk on down the hall and come to a small living room where four women sit. The two on my left are my great grandmother and my grandmother. There is a woman with her back to me whom I never see. My Mother is across from me and she stands up and points out the back door. There is light coming from it and its standing open. I run through it and out into a meadow. There is a villain in the meadow and he is running from me. I chase him but he only laughs at me and stays out of reach. That’s where the dream always ended.
I think understanding the living room is very important in the dream. The patriarchs of my family are seated in a room known as “living”. Although my great grandmother died when I was a child, she is still living. “He is not the God of the dead, but the God of the living”
My mother worked and so did my grandmother so I stayed at my great grandmother’s house during the week when I was a small boy. I called her Grand. My great grandfather still worked as well so for most of the time it was just me and Grand. She was a godly woman with a great sense of humor. I remember her reading from the bible in the mornings and humming hymns in the kitchen and laughing. She kept me during the day from birth until I started to school. Her daughter, my grandmother I called Mema was a nurse for the only pediatrician in town. I stayed at her house almost every Saturday as my parents worked on Saturdays too. My grandfather and I would go fishing and work on small projects around the house or ride horses together. Mema is a stately woman whose convictions run deep and come out in her dedication to service. She is still more comfortable serving others than doing anything else.
When I was 6 my father bought a dairy and we moved to the country. That same year my mother got pregnant with my little brother, Cary, and quit working. This was a huge change for me because now I was at home most of the time, although I still went to Mema’s and Pepa’s on most Saturdays. I worked with my father a lot around the farm even at an early age. He liked having me with him. It was my mother that carried me to church though. Dad did not go although he professed to be a Christian and raised me with Christian values. Mom was the one that always got Cary and I up and off to church. I point all this out to give you my explanation of the dream and why it’s the relationships in my life that have shaped it so distinctly. It was the patriarchs of my family that prepared the way for me.
First I think the realization of the plastic monster was symbolic of my age of accountability. The discernment of right and wrong was the realization that I was no longer bound by childish ideas.
The door to death in my dream was a turn off the path and to go straight lead me directly to the living room where my mother pointed the way to the light. This was the sanctification of my mothers prayers for which I am greatly thankful. All my patriarchs were there in this ‘living’ room all obviously supporting my mother in her testimony. I was blessed by their faithfulness. I see the decision then to walk through the door into the light as the decision of my salvation.
The villain I found in the meadow was of course me. My will, my self, my flesh would taunt me to chase worldly things. It was the frustration of being a Christian but not being committed to the walk and trying to please ones self. I think the dream was a warning not to live selfishly but it was for the most part unheeded for many years.
The next major relationship that changed my world was Miranda. I was a senior in high school and although I trusted God with my spirit and my eternal life I did not trust him with my soul or my current life. I guess I am saying I had my own plan. Miranda was a troubled teen with a crush on me and I thought I could help her, save her maybe even. She had a good sense of humor but was mostly sad. I thought for sure I could make her happy. I spent the next 11 years trying and failing. During this time God worked on me constantly trying to get me to let go –not of her but of myself and my own fears of being alone. I maintained a relationship with Christ but it was mostly a very structured prayer of forgiveness. As a result of placing my relationship with Miranda above all else even God, all of my other relationships were lost. My father and I stopped speaking and eventually my mother too. My brother and even Mema and I only communicated with birthday cards and the occasional letter. I was very unhappy and so was Miranda.
Finally one day I gave up my fear. There was no real catalyst for the surrender but I prayed a prayer I had never prayed before, “Your will, not mine.” I confessed to God that I could not make my wife happy and that it was up to Him. I stopped fearing that she would leave me. She left me about 9 months later. Stop laughing its not that funny. Ok it’s a little funny. She began drinking and staying out late at night. Then one day she informed me that she was moving to New Jersey, alone. We sold the house and shortly after that I got fired from my job.
You would think that would be a low point but God was already working in my life and I had already met Faith and we were great friends immediately. She had convinced me to call my Dad and got me in the Bible again (mostly to argue with her about things I turned out to be wrong about). It was a slow growth and I also lost contact with my best and perhaps only friend of 10 years in the process. Bryan was from my hometown of Sulphur Springs, Texas and his wife and Miranda were best friends. Bryan and I became great friends and rode our Harleys together and drank together and got into trouble together. He moved to Waco and then Temple while I moved from Dallas to Houston and back. Through all that though, we were together almost every weekend riding or working on our bikes. After the divorce as God pulled me closer to him I found less desire to ride and be around all the things that come with it. We tried to stay friends but when I started going to back to church he just wasn’t very comfortable around me anymore. His wife, Angel, was never very comfortable around Faith and as a result we just didn’t see each other much anymore. I still consider him one of my dearest friends and pray for him. God however has given me relationships now that are deeper and richer than I could have ever imagined.
First is the fellowship with him directly. I learned thoroughly that my relationship with him is the point. It is the most important bond in my life. His grace and mercy flow through me to others and his love makes mine possible. His forgiveness humbles me. It is this core connection that deepens and gives meaning and texture to all other relationships.
A commitment to a spouse is only as good as the foundation for that commitment. Faith is joyful and giving and most importantly not dependant on me for her happiness. God has blessed me above all men with a beautiful wife that loves me like I could have never even imagined. He has taught me to be kind and to lead my family by serving it.
Likewise success at striving to be a good father is completely dependant on your basis for what a father should be. Again the foundation of God as father is all important. And through that he has shown me an incredible relationship with my daughter, Helen.
God has also given me friendship with himself as well as Sam, John and Charles. They are godly men that hold me to the standard and challenge me in my walk. I have a bond with my friends now that I had not known was possible 10 years ago. God has shown me fellowship and how important that fellowship is to have with others. He has shown me how to love in friendship. Or perhaps he has begun to show me.
There is a kindness and an honesty in all my relationships that is only a reflection of what I have with the Lord. I look forward to deepening all of them as my walk in Christ deepens. Through God’s reconstruction of my relationships with priorities set firmly on Him, He has ultimately shown me that self control and self discipline and selflessness are the proper means for a relationship with ones self. And so I strive to leave the taunting villainous self in the meadows to laugh alone and I long to sit in the living room and wait for my children to come down the hall.
I think understanding the living room is very important in the dream. The patriarchs of my family are seated in a room known as “living”. Although my great grandmother died when I was a child, she is still living. “He is not the God of the dead, but the God of the living”
My mother worked and so did my grandmother so I stayed at my great grandmother’s house during the week when I was a small boy. I called her Grand. My great grandfather still worked as well so for most of the time it was just me and Grand. She was a godly woman with a great sense of humor. I remember her reading from the bible in the mornings and humming hymns in the kitchen and laughing. She kept me during the day from birth until I started to school. Her daughter, my grandmother I called Mema was a nurse for the only pediatrician in town. I stayed at her house almost every Saturday as my parents worked on Saturdays too. My grandfather and I would go fishing and work on small projects around the house or ride horses together. Mema is a stately woman whose convictions run deep and come out in her dedication to service. She is still more comfortable serving others than doing anything else.
When I was 6 my father bought a dairy and we moved to the country. That same year my mother got pregnant with my little brother, Cary, and quit working. This was a huge change for me because now I was at home most of the time, although I still went to Mema’s and Pepa’s on most Saturdays. I worked with my father a lot around the farm even at an early age. He liked having me with him. It was my mother that carried me to church though. Dad did not go although he professed to be a Christian and raised me with Christian values. Mom was the one that always got Cary and I up and off to church. I point all this out to give you my explanation of the dream and why it’s the relationships in my life that have shaped it so distinctly. It was the patriarchs of my family that prepared the way for me.
First I think the realization of the plastic monster was symbolic of my age of accountability. The discernment of right and wrong was the realization that I was no longer bound by childish ideas.
The door to death in my dream was a turn off the path and to go straight lead me directly to the living room where my mother pointed the way to the light. This was the sanctification of my mothers prayers for which I am greatly thankful. All my patriarchs were there in this ‘living’ room all obviously supporting my mother in her testimony. I was blessed by their faithfulness. I see the decision then to walk through the door into the light as the decision of my salvation.
The villain I found in the meadow was of course me. My will, my self, my flesh would taunt me to chase worldly things. It was the frustration of being a Christian but not being committed to the walk and trying to please ones self. I think the dream was a warning not to live selfishly but it was for the most part unheeded for many years.
The next major relationship that changed my world was Miranda. I was a senior in high school and although I trusted God with my spirit and my eternal life I did not trust him with my soul or my current life. I guess I am saying I had my own plan. Miranda was a troubled teen with a crush on me and I thought I could help her, save her maybe even. She had a good sense of humor but was mostly sad. I thought for sure I could make her happy. I spent the next 11 years trying and failing. During this time God worked on me constantly trying to get me to let go –not of her but of myself and my own fears of being alone. I maintained a relationship with Christ but it was mostly a very structured prayer of forgiveness. As a result of placing my relationship with Miranda above all else even God, all of my other relationships were lost. My father and I stopped speaking and eventually my mother too. My brother and even Mema and I only communicated with birthday cards and the occasional letter. I was very unhappy and so was Miranda.
Finally one day I gave up my fear. There was no real catalyst for the surrender but I prayed a prayer I had never prayed before, “Your will, not mine.” I confessed to God that I could not make my wife happy and that it was up to Him. I stopped fearing that she would leave me. She left me about 9 months later. Stop laughing its not that funny. Ok it’s a little funny. She began drinking and staying out late at night. Then one day she informed me that she was moving to New Jersey, alone. We sold the house and shortly after that I got fired from my job.
You would think that would be a low point but God was already working in my life and I had already met Faith and we were great friends immediately. She had convinced me to call my Dad and got me in the Bible again (mostly to argue with her about things I turned out to be wrong about). It was a slow growth and I also lost contact with my best and perhaps only friend of 10 years in the process. Bryan was from my hometown of Sulphur Springs, Texas and his wife and Miranda were best friends. Bryan and I became great friends and rode our Harleys together and drank together and got into trouble together. He moved to Waco and then Temple while I moved from Dallas to Houston and back. Through all that though, we were together almost every weekend riding or working on our bikes. After the divorce as God pulled me closer to him I found less desire to ride and be around all the things that come with it. We tried to stay friends but when I started going to back to church he just wasn’t very comfortable around me anymore. His wife, Angel, was never very comfortable around Faith and as a result we just didn’t see each other much anymore. I still consider him one of my dearest friends and pray for him. God however has given me relationships now that are deeper and richer than I could have ever imagined.
First is the fellowship with him directly. I learned thoroughly that my relationship with him is the point. It is the most important bond in my life. His grace and mercy flow through me to others and his love makes mine possible. His forgiveness humbles me. It is this core connection that deepens and gives meaning and texture to all other relationships.
A commitment to a spouse is only as good as the foundation for that commitment. Faith is joyful and giving and most importantly not dependant on me for her happiness. God has blessed me above all men with a beautiful wife that loves me like I could have never even imagined. He has taught me to be kind and to lead my family by serving it.
Likewise success at striving to be a good father is completely dependant on your basis for what a father should be. Again the foundation of God as father is all important. And through that he has shown me an incredible relationship with my daughter, Helen.
God has also given me friendship with himself as well as Sam, John and Charles. They are godly men that hold me to the standard and challenge me in my walk. I have a bond with my friends now that I had not known was possible 10 years ago. God has shown me fellowship and how important that fellowship is to have with others. He has shown me how to love in friendship. Or perhaps he has begun to show me.
There is a kindness and an honesty in all my relationships that is only a reflection of what I have with the Lord. I look forward to deepening all of them as my walk in Christ deepens. Through God’s reconstruction of my relationships with priorities set firmly on Him, He has ultimately shown me that self control and self discipline and selflessness are the proper means for a relationship with ones self. And so I strive to leave the taunting villainous self in the meadows to laugh alone and I long to sit in the living room and wait for my children to come down the hall.
posted by Brad McFadden at 3:13 PM
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